失恋する

I'm typing this with my hands cold and shaking. I feel broken hearted and disappointed towards him and myself mainly. He finally revealed that he is dating someone else and like that person very much. I blamed myself for being stupid and sacrifice a lot of things for him when he seems to take me for granted. There's nothing much I could say in this post except I do feel very very sad. I want to cry, but no tears are coming out. I want to share this feeling with my friends and god brother, but I know they would ridicule my actions. Only here, I could release my feelings and hopes. At times like tonight, I actually want to return to my ex so much. But I don't know if it even worth it....

Edit: After thinking about it.. I actually feel quite angry and upset. I feel used... Those times I spent was for nothing and he used me for his entertainment and source of information. I do believe those informations were used for woo-ing the other guy. Such a bastard.. There is a small part of me who wishes that he rots in hell. BUT a larger part of me wishes that he find happiness, even if I become the scape goat. I will still open my arms to him tho.. as a friend that is... I couldn't see myself being used again as a spare tyre.

Just for Tonight - One Night Only

I'm not normally into western music much, let alone a British Indie Rock... BUT somehow I love this one...
The lead singer, George Craig, is also the face of Burberry and has appeared few times in Burberry catwalks.

El español es muy difícil

I'm having oral Spanish exam tomorrow and I'm dying now... :(
I don't know how can I pass this exam tomorrow *sob sob*
and I still ended up blogging in here.. LOL...
I always thought language supposed to be the easiest elective out there to help lift up my average marks. How wrong I was! Spanish is damn difficult and the curriculum is very tough for an elective subject. It's very fast paced and barely any English is spoken in class. Even the freaking textbook doesn't have a single English word in it! Grrrr....

Few days ago, when I cleaned up my room, I found this cute paper clip holder among my pile of stationeries. So cute right.. I didn't remember how I got the holder. But those bones shaped paperclips actually came from my ex. He got it from some pharmaceutical company that sponsor his school. It matches my paper clip holders perfectly! Adorable!

夕べデートした。

I went for a date for the first time since I broke up with my ex last night. I was just doing it out of courtesy. I didn't feel up to it. I just thought it would be good to give it a try. We went for quick dinner and movies in Jam Factory. It was kinda awkward as it has been a while since I dated anyone. I ended up fidgeting and felt uncomfortable. It was my first time seeing him too. I felt very anxious. I actually had crazy thoughts before I went for the date. I was supposed to cut my nails as they were getting longer, but I didn't. My reasoning was.. in case that date turned out to be a monster, I could still scratch him. Haha... Funny hey.. I'm no sissy by any means, but I just don't know how to fight back. The date turned out to be a nice person, but I just couldn't see myself going further than friendship. We watched Astroboy for the movie and I love it.. It was awesome!! Definitely a must watch.


Today, I wanted to go to the Camberwell Sunday Market and check out the antiques on sale, but I guess it has to wait until I finish my exam. I can't believe it's mid October already. Time passes by very fast this year, it's almost the end of the year and Christmas coming soon. I'm not looking forward for Christmas this year, as I will have to spend it back in Indonesia with my scandalous and gossipy family.

プライバシーに立ち入らないように注意しなさい。

I just realised that my housemate has broken my privacy. I didn't realise it until my workmate saw me in the tram today and enquire regarding the unit where I live. I have since removed all tags associated with the new unit in my facebook and blogger. For someone who is very careful in guarding privacy, I have been really careless to let him do as he please. I'm upset at him and I'm more upset at myself for not doing the right thing. In many many years, I have always guarded my privacy with the utmost secrecy and I had barked at my ex a number of times for being ignorant. Some people doesn't know the value of privacy, but I do and I do think you will pay the ultimate price once it's lost...

What's my type?

I just talked with my housemate and he asked me what kind of guys are my type. Honestly, I have no idea.. I can easily describe what I want based on personality, but on physical levels, it's a bit harder. I'm not very fussed, as long as we can click. Physical wise, if he can look pretty decent and nice, I would be okay. He doesn't need to be gorgeously hot and handsome. I probably would feel intimidated if he does. Not to mention, too many guys (and girls..) who want a slice of him.

Here what I wrote on my fridae profile:

"Tall, sexy, masculine, and handsomely cute guy.. lol... Emotionally though, I love guys who can hold himself well in public arena, confident and believe in himself, optimistic person, have ambitions, ability to give guidance and opinions, caring, loyal, understanding, good sense in design and arts, has good fashion sense as well as someone who can stimulate my mind with intelligent conversation and questions. Additionally, he must be able to support me for who I am and not holding me back for being myself."

And here what I found important in a relationship: (many of these, I learnt from my previous failed relationship)

"Intellectual conversation, physical attractions, chemistry, compatibility, similar ambitions or visions, willingness to give and receive, openness to new experience, great sex, understanding, and patience (in no particular orders)."

So what's my type again? Hmmm...

お互いに言い争いをする家族は嫌いです。

People always said I never like the country where I was born. In fact, I did change my citizenship years back. When I reflected back on my hatred and dislike, I wonder why did I feel like that. If anything, it's more to do with my family and how we got treated back in Indonesia. As a family, we never really had harmonious relationship with one another. The pressure from the outside and the internal family to be something that I am not, strained myself to the edge. From then on, I am always in constant search to find a new identity. Somewhere I could feel a sense of belonging and freedom. Somewhere I could escape from all these issues. Hence, I pursued to study overseas and never look back. In that time as well, I never really feel like I belong to Australia, I felt foreign. It was hard to get along. It took me years of settling down before I finally realised how great is this place. Now, I call this place a home and it does feel like one.

On another story, my best friend often said I'm a bit of an emo. I understand the fashion part of the emo, but I don't think I'm one. Although sometimes I maybe a little emo-ish. What I never realised, however, is the emotional part. I just found out about it today. Quoted from wikipedia:

"In recent years emo has been associated with a stereotype that includes being emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted, or angst-ridden. It has also been associated with depression, self-injury, and suicide."

The first sentence described me perfectly! The second part.. well... definitely no.. If anything, my injury comes from my clumsiness.

And finally.. I just got my latest obsession delivered. It looks pretty in the picture, but it looks prettier in real life. Introducing, my most expensive shoes ever... by Lanvin.... (If girls have Manolo Blahnik, guys certainly have Lanvin).

ウィッシュリスト - Octobre 2009

* Lithium Homme Blue Leather Jacket
* Custom wallpaper for my room
* Issey Miyake Watch
* Bvlgari Acqua Marine
* Fog Lights
* Oral B Triumph
* Canon EF-S 18-200mm f3.5-5.6 IS Lens
* Black skinny jeans & pants

BUT all of these has to wait.. for another month or year... Just because I can't afford everything at once. Car registration and Insurance are due this month and they cost around $1600 in total... :(

EDIT: Got a new electric toothbrush, a much cheaper, less frills, and do the job as good probably. The custom wallpaper might never be materialised because I just realised that it would make my room smaller than it really is. So I saved my money that way already :D

新居へ引っ越した。

I have finally moved into a new place last week. It was one very tiring week, lots of tidying up and cleaning up to do. Things are looking much better now, although I still feel it's not 100%. My room, for example, still missing bedside lamp, desk lamp, and a picture frame. I really can't wait until my room is done. A lot of thoughts have gone into this room and things are progressing along nicely. Outside, things are also better compared to last week, but my housemates could do with more tidy up. Honestly, I hate looking at boxes in the living room. Can't do much with the kitchen though because we don't have enough space. Best thing about this place is probably the facilities (pool, gym BBQ area, tennis court) and the view. Here are some of the views from our balcony...






I'm glad I have decent housemates though. They make me laugh sometimes and I don't feel so lonely anymore. My ex still wanting me back and I'm feeling really lonely too. I can't just go back to him because of loneliness, can I? It will be just a repeat of what I felt when I started my relationship with him 4 years ago. I do pity him a lot.. I felt responsible for leaving him in such a situation. I really don't know what to do...

On the other hand, assignments are piling up and start to get into my nerve. This week alone, I have to complete 3 assignments, damn... And next week I still have exams and I think 2 assignments due or so... >_<"