恋の悩み

I have been feeling much better for the last 2-3 days. Work helps and staying positive helps a lot too. I know, there's still a pain inside, but I try my best to have the best positive attitude I can have and it works, not instantly though. I believe I am a nice person, I believe in love and I trust others. Those people who give me a miss, probably never know what I'm capable of. :)

Those mood, however, was shattered on Saturday evening. Guess what? I actually hit a pedestrian in Flinders Street. He was crossing the road as the lights were still green. It was his fault for crossing the road. I didn't hit him that fast though. I was just driving at 40kph and I was so freaking panic. I couldn't stop and by the time, I managed to stop, he was gone. It took me a while to get back to the scene because I couldn't take the car key from the ignitions. I was dumb enough to stop without making sure that the transmission was in P mode. The new auto cars apparently has safety features which require the transmission to be in P before the car key could be taken out. Meh...
What a crazy night.. @_@

友達甲斐

True friendship do exist after all. Just put a cry emoticon in MSN and few people will start to voice their concerns. From some of those, a few will go to certain length to talk and calm you down. Those are the people that you will need to treasure. Friendship and love is a privilege and not to be taken for granted.

My god brother believe that my emotions and trust to everyone is part of my innocence and naivety and I shouldn't lost it. It is a positive thing, but I should have been more careful on how do I use my feelings because I am more sensitive than others. Reality wise, he said that there's no way that I could have been a heartless and cold person. So I just have to forgo my dreams of being a cold blooded vampire who sucked the life of people around me, LOL...

On a lighter news of the day... Melbourne has been extremely windy today. The noise is so loud, it creeps me out a bit. When I was driving, I could felt the car being swayed by the wind. The loud wind noises made me thought that the car engine has some trouble. I'm also supposed to work tonight, but I have cancelled my shifts. I want to go to dinner with friends and have a little bit of fun.

PS: I still miss him.. And the shocking news is.. he's my friend's ex.. OMG... OMFG... OMFFFFFFFG.... *gasp* plus 2 of his ex (that I know of..) are Indonesians. Geez...

他人に親切にしてください

Be kind to others and you shall be rewarded! At least, that's what the proverb said. In life however, the reward varies, sometimes they reward you back with kindness, sometimes you only get plain rudeness and people taking advantage of you. I realized, all this time, I have been very kind and trusting to people around me. Many, however, took advantage of them. At work, in internet, in day to day friendship, everywhere... My god brother said, it is a part of my innocence and naivety, but at my age, am I still that innocent?

Why is it so hard to find a true friend? Everything seems to be coming back to me tonight and it hurts really bad. Tears just burst and I wish I could be hurt really bad that I will lost all my senses of being kind. I wish I could just be a cold and heartless person. Being good is harder... It hurts.. It really hurts...

無差別モード

What makes one becoming more promiscuous than the other? Why do infidelity is so rampant both in straight and gay communities? And why has it becoming a wrong thing to do? Animals do it in the wild, but why can't human? Is religious community trying to define what's right and wrong?



Those question keep popping in my head over and over. I want not just a fulfilling relationship, but also loyalty. I want a relationship, where it will be hard for me to look at others. I want a stimulating relationship, emotionally and physically. In my updated Fridae profile, I wrote this about a person whom I'm looking for:

Tall, sexy, masculine, and handsomely cute guy.. lol... Emotionally though, I love guys who can hold himself well in public arena, confident and believe in himself, optimistic person, have ambitions, ability to give guidance and opinions, caring, loyal, understanding, as well as someone who can stimulate my mind with intelligent conversation and questions. Additionally, he must be able to support me for who I am and not holding me back for being myself."

き精神的なショック

I'm still on an emotional roller coaster, but I could see the lights at the end of the tunnel. I hope I can see the way out soon. I miss having only me and myself. He still the perfect and the right one in my opinion though. How many people has his loyalty and his love of art deco interior design? If only, there's a bit of love in his heart. I miss him.. really... It's so hard not to sleep thinking about him. Even masturbating is such a chore, trying to distract myself by watching porn or thinking dirty about someone else and I can't do that. I have developed my sense of loyalty towards him. It's just amazing what he can do on myself.

I have work tomorrow, I'm still contemplating if I should cancel my work and go to a party. My voice is like someone having a nose blocked at the moment.. It's like I'm sick, so it's a perfect time to call and cancel my shift. On the other hand, it seems that they are short of staff for tomorrow.

事が心配でたまらない

Arggghhhh..... I'm feeling so hot and cold for the whole day. Last night when he said good bye, it was a little cold than usual. Maybe he was in shock after he knew about my blog entry yesterday. I thought, he would probably distant himself from me. This afternoon, however, I got an sms from him saying that his job interview will be delayed until next week. To be honest, he almost never sms me on his own accord. It's always just to reply my sms or simply.. nothing. I was rather elated, but I also felt like I'm in a roller coaster. I just wished we could have a go kart racing, at least we know who win and lose and that's it. Roller coaster is an endless loop of up and down...

ものの核心にふれることは容易ではありません。

I'm supposed to be studying tonight, have my Spanish exam tomorrow, but somehow I can't think of anything else other than him. My relationship just ended about a week ago, but my heart seems to have waver for another. I wish, this is just an infatuation that will not last.

I have known this guy for over a year now. I knew him through a very unconventional way. About a year ago, a guy on my MSN had a conference chat with almost everyone in his list. I only said hi and left, it was such an uncomfortable atmosphere having heaps of gay guys in one chat room. Funny enough, a guy apparently had an interest on me and he enquire things about me to this person who opened the conference chat. He was a very reluctant boy, I didn't even get his picture until much later from fridae. Until now, I never properly met him, other than him winking at me during exam period. And oh boy.. He is one gorgeous hot guy.. I still can't believe I manage to flirt with him and chat with him.

I had my fair share of dislike towards him, I even had a time where I actually like someone else. I don't know how but our message archive has balloon to MB worths of logs. He's the number one person in my MSN, in terms of chat logs size. Last night though, he somehow made me a very happy boy. I was like in cloud nine, I started to like him. My heart is still racing when I remember him. He's very very sweet and distant at the same time. He is challenging, yet accept me for who I am. He's one of a few person who treat my childish behavior as a cute aspect of mine.

"Everytime we chat, I feel ecstatic, everytime he tease me, I swear I could fly, and everytime he flirts, I feel like I could reach the sky."

On my way to bed last night, I saw my ex.. Sleeping soundly as if nothing has happened between us. I was ridden with guilt and pity. He was the love of my life, we shared years of history, but I slept dreaming of another boy next to me.

彼と絶交した

I have finally made my decision last night. I have finally ended my relationship of 4 years. It was such a hard thing to do, but my flame has been dying for a long time. We simply have nothing in common. Our love was so intense at the beginning, but there's nothing to sustain the love and the flame. It's been so hard for me to be in this relationship, it was suffocating. I feel like a bird protected by its owner at all cost, including put him in a cage. I almost gave in as I saw him crying last night. When I looked a pictures from our happy times, I feel like crying.. I will miss him. I just hope I make the right decision.

I'm so sorry...

ジェットスターのセール

Just got an email from Jetstar regarding their Friday Fare Frenzy. Just realized how weird that Bangkok is cheaper than Bali, even when Bangkok takes 4-5 hours longer to reach from Melbourne. Does it mean Bali has high demand, whereas Bangkok doesn't? Hmm...

政治は何だって私たちを分割したいのかしら。私たちは、誰がよい人で誰が悪い人か知っているのに。

Sometimes, I wonder if world without politics could exist. I was very naive, I trusted every single person I met at work. If only, they didn't misused my trust, twisted my words, and created paranoid that would make works more stressful than it already is. My colleague did what I feared, she twisted my criticism into fear and terror. I had suspected that her paranoid on me started when one of the supervisors always commented on how good my work is. I guess, for her, I'm a threat to her credibility and positions. She tried to do everything and becoming everyone.. The results? Well.. She just exhaust herself and the staff morale has been pretty down as she never practically trust anyone. I could even see her trying to discredit one of the staff just because he received staff of the week award.

For years, I tolerated her imperfections and paranoid, I defended her for whatever she is. I do believe that everyone works in their own way and some climbed up the corporate ladder to be the leaders. I do not believe in prejudice and gossiping at work. People should be judged only by their quality of work and efforts, not by their skin colors or cultural habit.

I wished I could go back to be just regular staff, instead of team leader. Much much less stressful, more time to socialize with other workers and less responsibility. As of now, work has become more tense than it supposed to be. She distant herself from me, which I don't care. I'm more worried about her mouth if anything else. It is more poisonous than Inland Taipan Snake...

Promotional Video for Nationwide Kiss-in August 15th 2009

Awww.... Very very sweet video...

ヤラベ−ン公園

Yesterday, I spent my day with my new good friend アレーンくん. We went to some places in the city to have lunch and checked out the best toilet in the whole Melbourne :)

Was so freaking cold, but it was nice.. We ended the day by visiting Yarra Bend park and saw the city skyline as the lights turned on. It was really great view. I wish they could have some seats where I can just sit and enjoy the world.. ermm.. Melbourne turn to dark.